After 5 years

After 5 years of having to adapt to having arthritis, I realized that I can’t adapt.

The flare ups take their time and suck life and energy out of me each time.

My autoimmune condition has been affecting my health, fitness level, social life, focus and concentration quality and periods.

I’m really losing interest in things that used to interest me, I no longer enjoy traveling, nor reading or writing.

I also tried to progress at work and in my career, which I realized I can’t do. Being sick and in paid often is just erasing my will power and capacity to go on.

I used to like socializing, but now I look at socializing as pain in the ass, and even sometimes I think I’m terrorized by socializing.

I have slowly given up on my dreams one by one. And I think if I’m given another 10 years to live, I’m going to be this lifeless person who desires and wants nothing.

I can’t see that my health problem is getting better with medications. And I’m coming to conclude also that alternative ways of approaching autoimmune is a total waste of time, money, energy and hope.

Yes I still can’t accept the fact that my life has taken a nasty turn and that I will have to deal with my joints for the rest of my life.

I also have noticed that antidepressants don’t really fix depressions, and that they play a very minor role in fixing mental health. I even stopped seeing my doctor because what’s the point?

What’s the point also from seeing rheumatologists who like to put their patients on crazy medications that vary between immune suppressants and chemo therapy, disregarding side effects.

Wondering at this very moment how much longer do I have to live tormented and locked up in physical pain and discomfort.

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