Space

There is space in my heart

For a stranger I never met

I don’t know where

The heart has been empty

For years on

And I lie to you

And tell you I love you

And show you I care

And you believe me

Your ego grows

And you believe me

Your pride grows

And you believe me

Your arrogance grows

Because you believe me

You grow

But you don’t know

That space in my heart

Is for a stranger I never met

I don’t know where

And the space grows

Where was I?

It’s when you..it’s like that thing that makes you.. No

It’s when it’s… you want to but no not like that… No

Because it’s unclear, you think you… No

You try to, but it’s not what you think you… No

When you get there but you find…

It’s so confused and you are so tired… No

Everything is like a mess in your head…

And all the things, the places and the people… no

I just can’t but… maybe that, maybe not…

You see me you think that I … No

You see me smiling and you think that I… No

It’s like eternity but you know it will stop, but you’re not sure where the thing started…

But you see that thing that you want, but you see that thing and you know you don’t…No

And they walk… Somewhere, away maybe… You don’t even remember how…

It’s that thing that is very simple, they say, simple they say… No

They say it’s easy, that thing, they claim they did it… They claim they have it… No

They claim a lot of things, you can see just the shadows of their souls in their eyes…

You know how it works, you do, you can read me, you can tell… No

It’s that moment when things go right, I mean things only go…

It’s like that promise you heard they keep… No, no one keeps a promise…

They told you things, that don’t exist, it’s so unclear, to me, where was I? I forgot to eat…

Have you touched it? Really? And you said you’ve seen it, right? Oh well… No

Yes, yes… I’ve had it long ago, you know I can’t remember when… Oh well… I can’t remember it… where was I? I just noticed, It’s 5 am and I can’t sleep…

You must not worry they say… They say it’s very simple… Easily obtained, they claimed… No

You cannot… I mean if you think I’m alright… Well I can still smile and you can see me happy you know… In my pictures…

Yeah I don’t know, who are these people? What they want? Have you met them before? No

How do they tell you they will be there, when they… Oh well we live only now and tomorrow might never exist…How do they promise? No

I tell you everyday how I feel, every fucking day because you ask me… You’ve seen it, in my eyes, you know I can’t lie…

Why do you not like the answer, I mean you asked me! No?

Anyway I’ve decided that I like the… Ummm… Where was I? How did we end up here?

You know? They taught me a lot of things they taught me… Like manners, like principles, like rights and wrongs… You too right? They taught you, you should be bright? No

No because they just were preaching, reciting, they didn’t follow what they taught you… Then suddenly you are wrong… Because you still stick to what they taught you… But you are to them wrong because who cares what they taught you?

It’s alright they say, you know why they say so? Because they have what you don’t… No

Because there are certain directions… No

And courageous people burn first…

But I’ve seen it late…

But they say it’s never too late… Hell no!

 It can be too late.. They lie when they say it’s never too late…

Anyway, where was I? I just realized I haven’t been paid since months on…

She said I shall leave if I want to be a… I’m not sure what she said… But I always wanted to go…

He explained to me what that thing was, I can’t recall what he said… No

And they told me how to use this… I did… It just didn’t work at all…

I’ve been told that after the uphill it goes downhill… Buddy, it’s been always uphill, I’m tired bro…

That’s way to go… No

I can feel something, it’s like fire, but not that kind that keeps you warm… No

That fire that makes you wanna put ice on your… yeah… I have no clue what was that thing and when I explained how… They said no… No

I’ve chased it… I still do…

It’s like mirage in the heat of the desert… And I’d still go… on… No?

I have my flaws… I know I do… I forgive and forget… But they don’t do…

Where was I? I forgot my phone in the public toilette… How are you?

They told me things about me, wrote me poems and… I mean… Wow is that your son? I’m happy for you…

Where was I? I can’t recall the name of the street… Was it floor 3 where you live? No

Just like that… How did he figure how to heal? What page was it? Where I stopped?

Look at the Sun rising… Oh I’m sorry it’s 7 pm and it’s setting… No

This place feels good, but wrong…

Where was I? Why he’s gone?

How old are you, they ask… I don’t know what to say the food is burned… It’s 2017 or? No

Because it’s …

See you later I’m tired, I wish you know…Sigh… I wish you know… Sigh… I wish I know…

 

Monsters!

Once upon a time there was a little girl, with dark big eyes and long eyelashes, she never feared monsters under her bed, and threatened them until they never showed up again, she had a wooden sword and so much power, and in her heart she had endless courageous faith.

Until she saw a door that was semi open and had no light, she was too curious to see what’s behind. And her courage made her step inside. The monster that was there swallowed her soul even before she noticed ,and till now she can’t get back to life …

To Stars & Glory

Did you laugh at me?
Was it funny?

Did you laugh at me behind my back,
Then,when I had to stumble and fall,
Then, When I fucked up overall?

Yes you did, I know you did…

Did you run around, telling people,
Even though it’s my sacred privacy?

Did you all laugh at me?
Was it funny?

Yes you did, I know you did…

Did you laugh at me when I showed you my wounds, my scars and my hot bleeding soul?
Did you tell people how I cried?
Did you tell them how broken I was?
Did you whisper in their ears that I’m losing my faith, I’m losing control?

Did you not push me down fiercely and helped me drawn,
Then, when I was doing everything I could to get back to life?
Did you not wish that I die?
Did you not feel that ticklish pleasure in your chest, when you saw me dying?
Did you not feel outrageous when you saw me trying?
Did you not lock me up in a dark hole?
Did you not get rid of the keys?
Did you not close the God damn door?

Yes you did, I know you did…

But you are an unaware, ignorant, selfish creature…
Can you even see further than the end of your own nose?

Did you know that I always get up after I fall?
Did you know that I lick my wounds till they heal, and my scars no longer hurt at all?
Did you know that things like you don’t bring me down, even when I have to crawl?
Did you know how much it hurts when you put them first, while they don’t put you at all?

No, you did not, you won’t, you never will, because you can’t,
And I won’t show you the path to stars and glory never at all…

Rise!

You will die, you will die 

It will kill you every time 

It will suck life out of you

And throw you behind

 

You will die trying 

It will kill you every time 

It will suck life out of you

And step over you

 

But when it rains you rise 

 

You will die, you know you will

As life will bring us down 

As people will suck life out of us 

As they manipulate and we still believe their lies

 

But when it rains you rise 

And when it does you will realize 

It’s not us, it’s not them, it’s that thing that keeps us alive until we die 

 

Die as many times as you want to

Die as many times as you think you need to

But don’t die broken 

Don’t die with sorrow

Don’t die when they want you to

Die only when you think you’ve done it & seen it all 

 

But when it rains we rise,

We get up, we get up, yes we try

Katia

Been a while !

Just Me

Hey everyone,

I know it’s been a while since I last time blogged and made any contact with you!

I have a lot of things to share , really a lot of things! I would be back soon sharing life and experience with you, tell you more about BODYCOMBAT and BODYPUMP releases 🙂

Love and peace!

Katia

Jump Off

Once I jump off the edge of this reality
Once adrenaline rushes through my veins
Once my stomach feels that extreme terrors and pains.

 

I will keep my eyes open, to witness the acceleration of that sudden change
I will use my voice for once,
I will scream so loud until silence penetrates my universe,
Coz i wouldn’t need to use it once again


Once my feet are out of that reality,
Once my head is up and empty,
I will be floating in a space of no gravity,
Where there is no fear, no doubt and no pain.


There will be nothing, nobody and No one that I know of,
I will be free, unburdened, light and peaceful.


Once I grab the hand of that fearful child,
We will be diving into eternity,
And the child will smile forever again.

 

Katia

On Texting!

Online chatting and texting are awesome things, they can make life easier, more informative and faster to connect. People who hate/dislike phone calls, like me, prefer texting for sure.

But I’m not writing this post to tell you how awesome that is, I mean that would be lame and boring, I should criticize something, and make things look a little ugly, and spray some irony on the subject. That’s just me when I write, sometimes!

A lot of people make texting a very ugly experience, see? I didn’t blame it on texting, I blamed it on people! A lot of people make you wish you never got introduced to smart phones, and sometimes you wish you are on the surface of the moon, where certainly there is no 3G or 4G, some people piss you off and others make you just sit there in the dark and wonder “What the hell is wrong with these people?!”

Dear readers, if you are reading this make sure you are non of the people that I’m gonna mention below, and if you are one of these, please make some efforts to change, because whatever you are doing is just not right!

Strangers & Texting!

Okay cool, we never chatted before? You just found me randomly on some social media and you thought “Oh, what a cool chick, let’s chitchat and impress her!”

Wohoo! I’m all excited! lol

Look dear stranger, if you want to chat, try to follow conversation basic steps, don’t suddenly start asking questions, you don’t have to know how old I’m, where I live, where I work, how many brothers and sisters I have and what I’m doing right now. How about you introduce yourself? And how about you keep it nice, polite and short as a start, why do you have to be so nosy? You really are a stranger at the end, and butting yourself into my business is gonna make you look weird and intimidating. Stop that please, it’s totally ugly, a total turn off.

If we never chatted before here is a very important thing you need to know, I’m not so keen nor happy to receive a text from you late at night, I’m not happy to discover that a lot of people still think it’s ok to text strangers at midnight or later. And hey don’t you be upset if I saw your message and didn’t reply to you. Your late message can be interpreted as “RUDE, STUPID,INAPPROPRIATE, RETARD, ETC

Dear stranger, pretending to discuss work late at night is not an excuse for you to text, tomorrow never dies, hopefully, there is always tomorrow, and there is sunshine after dark, please be patient till the sun comes up and text me, I’m a hard working person, at night I do not want to discuss anything related to work, clear dear stranger?

Clients & Texting!

Great, we love you, we want to help you, we know you expect something from us, whether because you are paying us or because you believe in our knowledge/experience/intelligence/abilities, whatever that was, again I repeat DO NOT TEXT AT NIGHT and expect to have an answer, DO NOT BE UPSET if you were being ignored, because suddenly you felt the urge to figure something out, right now right now, no, no! Hold on! Everything can wait, I know because whatever your problem is right now, at 1 am no one is going to solve it for you, even you won’t get it and try to solve it, even if I told you what you should do, UNLESS, yes and I mean it, UNLESS it was an EMERGENCY, which in my case isn’t a possibility, because I’m not a hospital nor a firefighting station. Sleep tight, relax and text me in the morning, or wait for us to meet.

Managers/Business Owners & Texting!

Yes! I know you have responsibilities! I know  that you are concerned and I know you my have a heart attack from whatever position you are holding! But hey! That is not my problem! Try dear darling to, first of all, be clear in your texts and messages, be as short as possible, I’m sure someone in your position should be smart enough to deliver the point straight, loud and clear. Don’t contradict yourself.

Secondly, I’m not a slave, neither my colleagues, nor you, we are not slaves to our jobs, how about business text messages stop around 8 pm? Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it be just perfect to be work free physically and mentally by that time? Would you not want to watch a movie? See your friends? Spend time with your family away from your phone? Don’t you have a life? Awesome maybe the answer to all of the above is no! But okay, well, I’m sorry but I do have a life, and you being happy or stressed out for being a business owner or a manager shouldn’t affect me positively or negatively, and I shouldn’t feel that buzz and fuss that you live in, because honestly I’m not in your position, so please give me a break!

Thirdly, whatever language you decide to choose to text me/us, please use that language properly, either you know that language perfectly fine and you know how to use it, and so you do, or do not throw shit in my eyes and trash my head with your poor grammar and awful spelling! I know, they did you wrong when they made you a manager when your, let’s say, English skills are shitty, but hey! It’s okay! You don’t have to suffer! Count me in with you, I don’t have to suffer either! Would you like to use another language? Maybe your mother-tongue is the best option for everyone? Great! Please do that! It makes you look better, and we won’t be making fun of you behind your back!

Complainers & Texts!

Unless you are a family member, or one of those friends that I often hang out with, or be better said, a good good friend of mine, try not to complain to me over any text messages. Why? Because I’m already full of complaints myself, because I don’t need your negativity inside my phone and right there in my eyes and deep in my brains, and I don’t complain to you, so what made you just come and complain to me?

Okay, let’s be human for a second, I want to be a good person and try to help you get the hell out of your shit-hole, why on earth would you complain to me in the middle of the night…? Do you really think this will help me sleep? I’m already insomniac and your gloomy/stressful problems will not help me relax, chill and fall alseep. If by any chance, you are forced to complain, try to do it anytime of the day, but please, not during bed time please, that’s really not fair, not good for anyone and not going to make anything better!

LinkedIn Users & Texts!

Most of the times, you guys are being assholes! You know why? LinkedIn, and other similar sites, are made for people to connect regarding work, finding jobs and expanding businesses. Why do you screw that up and turn it into a dating website? Really? Is that the best you could make out of it? Seriously? Are you sure you’re mature enough? Are you actual adults? Or? Help me figure it out please!

DO NOT ACT LIKE A MORON and use such nice websites to find your other half! Go ahead, and create an account in some actual dating site, there are billions of them…

Texting During Gym Class!

Oh yeah? Wow! How nice of you to use your phone and text during gym class! How respectful and how polite of you! That also applies to texting while in school class, texting during eating, texting during receiving a massage, texting while praying, texting while reading, etc.

Look, I’m sure both Putin, the president of the Russian Federation, and Obama, the president of the United States Of America, keep their phones in the lockers when they hit the gym, and they do run a serious business, I believe lol. And so, I do not think that you will receive some text that is as important as the texts they might receive! That’s firstly.

And secondly, if you wanna keep playing with your phone and texting and taking stupid selfies and showing them off on SnapChat during my class, please get the hell out and come back when you are done, because you are very distracting and you also look very silly! Taraaa!!

My third point is very important, because it’s for your own good; look, I know this damn phone is stuck to your hands with some super glue, and that you just can’t help it, but how about you have some time for yourself? ME, MYSELF AND I TIME? “Me, myself and I time” is an amazing experience! You gotta try it! It’s really awesome! It makes you feel great! It helps you connect with your poor self! Try it, leave your damn phone somewhere and enjoy yourself without it. I promise, you will not die, no!

That’s all for tonight, I hope something will change after this.

Katia,

P.S

Not being upset,  mad or angry, not at all, again, I’m just saying!

The Worst Person I’ve Met So Far!

Well, don’t expect me to tell you who that person is, because I wouldn’t be that mean and reveal their identity. At the same time, I’m writing this for a few reasons; one of them is to share with you how I understand the meaning behind “Horrible/Awful People”, to share a very new experience, because honestly this person made me feel something very new and different, and because in order for me to keep my blog alive I gotta write something, lol!! I will try to keep this post simple and cool for everyone to read.

This person has a lot of bad things jammed together in their personality, and that was a little too much to deal with honestly, I wished to spend more time with this person, but man! There was no chance, not a little small one!

Self Centered!

Being self centered is okay as long as it doesn’t make people look like assholes, and being focused and wanting what’s best for us is something I hope everyone does, moderately, in order to achieve certain goals in life. I really have’t met people who actually devote their lives to others, yet, other than some mothers, and the rest of the world is usually self centered. But! This person has a very obvious issue which makes them look, sound and behave like an asshole, very self centered, very selfish which made them look also rude, because usually a self centered person is an inconsiderate person, and that can be very unbearable

Greedy!

I do not like greed in any level, size and shape. Greed is such an ugly element in humans, and I believe greed, if existing, is a massive destruction in every aspect.

This person went to work everyday, and came back counting their money, they are too greedy they wouldn’t buy themselves good food, or new cloths. They offered me food but didn’t want me to eat it, so they always ate something of my share, and this person is too greedy they wouldn’t offer anything to anyone for free, no way, they just couldn’t.

Well, yes, we shouldn’t expect anything from anyone, but this person was a friend, lol, and at some point in this life I offered some help and things for free for this person to make them feel good. So when it was their turn to return the favor, they fucked up big time, because of greed and selfishness.

Bullshitter!

Bullshitters are the last type of people you wanna deal with, for me personally, I’m madly blunt, honest and I have no time for bullshit, lies and empty promises.

This person is a very good bullshitter, they never did anything they said, or promised to do. A few times we were supposed to do certain things together and they simply didn’t show up, they didn’t bother to apologize. They promised a lot of things, things I didn’t ask for, that when I heard all those promises I thought to myself “OH MY GOD! I’M SUCH A LUCKY PERSON TO HAVE SUCH AWESOME FRIENDS” but lol! No! Every single promise they made, they broke, they broke within a few hours. RED FLAG WHEN TOO MUCH TALKING HAPPENS BEFORE THE ACTION!

Cheap Ass!

Yes we all like to go on dates, and we all like to be noticed, and we all maybe try to find our other half, or find someone with whom we can have fun somehow. But dude! This person would cancel all the plans in the universe to be on a date with someone, regardless of the situation and the conditions. For them DATE means RUN, because if they didn’t RUN after it, someone else will and going to take it, PROBABLY!

You don’t want to be friends with a cheap ass, especially if this cheap ass is already a greedy selfish asshole. LOL

Unrealistic!

realism varies from one person to another person, but please try to be realistic to that point where you don’t contradict with yourselves.

This person told me some bad stories about their father, and how their father ditched them, how their father made so many empty promises, how their father didn’t come to check on their step mom when she got some serious illness, how their father is greedy and never helps anyone financially, how their father is a womanizer, and how their father is extremely selfish, and how they stopped talking to their father completely, and stopped wanting to see him, and how even they hate their father and they don’t even want to know where their father is.

Then there was some awkward silence, because when this person was narrating all those bad stories and negativitoes about the guy, I actually felt very embarrassed and ashamed somehow, and they did too feel some sort of awkwardness, and ended the conversation by saying: “Yes, I sound and look and behave like my father now! But the difference between us is that I’m willing to change and be different, but my father never wanted to change!”

Baaang! Seriously? If your own father made you feel so damn bad in this life when he was around, that you ran away from him, why on earth would you be another copy of something you hate?! Can anyone explain that to me? Anyways!

Bottom line!

I had to spend a few days with this person, I wasn’t really sure if they are okay or not, but I all the time felt uncomfortable and unhappy around them. I felt so unhappy  and so irritated that I ended up running away from them, I literally collected my stuff and ran to the train station and I flew by plane to another place, without notifying them, and without saying good bye. I hope we never meet again, and I also hope, that life doesn’t send me another person whom I end up categorizing as another “WORST PERSON I’VE EVER MET” lol

This person a few days later sent me this song, and it made me laugh, because this person also showed me that they didn’t mature yet, although they are so proud of themselves being so independent.

 

My Road Back To Happiness, Key Two!

The Maze, Find Your Way To Happiness!

This post, obviously, isn’t that sort of posts that develop and progress quickly! Man it’s taking me time to figure out what makes me happy!

But yes! I have found “Key Two” to happiness!

Happiness Key Two: Friends & Social Life!

Ok, some of you don’t agree with me on this one, which I totally understand, people are different, some of us are social and some of us aren’t! Cool by me!

But knowing myself, yes I can survive alone and feel cool about it, but usually I feel better when I’m socially social.

I used to be way more social than now, probably when I was younger I had more patience for certain things, and later things changed for me and I gotta be the picky person when it comes to socializing. I don’t need to be social with people I don’t feel good around, and I don’t need fake social circles, if that’s the case, I prefer to be alone in most cases.

2015 thank you for the many wake up calls, this year gifted me some new friends, with whom I feel good, natural, positive and often thoughtful. Fun is always part of it, but I’m glad to finally find people with whom I can be creative, on an intellectual level. I like those people who challenge my own thoughts. I’m done with Bla Blas and empty conversations!

Socializing is not always what it looks like, at the gym I’m always surrounded by people, but that doesn’t mean I know all of them and they all know me. And socializing may take some wrong turns, that’s when they are faked, forced, or/and hold a lot of unnecessary expectations. It’s really not hard to know if you get along with certain people or not, there is either some sort of chemistry and harmony or not, there isn’t really something in between, like I enjoy my time with you but you bother me. It’s either positive or negative. Remember, you do not have to be around any person who makes you feel anything negative or uncomfortable, even if they are nice to you! lol I really mean it, if that’s the way you feel, then trust me something is wrong no matter how you try to make it look like.

Some may have certain barriers when it comes to making new friendships, thinking “Ah! It’s already too late to make new friends, and come to trust them.”, For me personally as a social entity by nature, I want you all to know that yes you can always make new friends, no one and nothing is going to stop you, except for yourselves. You can always get up and go grab yourself some new friends! But yes I know taking the first step to initiate any sort of relation isn’t the easiest part, but hey! some people are really interesting, why let them go by without trying to figure them out closely?! Some of these “interesting people” may mistakenly give us some sort of attitude or vibe that pushes us away or make us feel unwelcome, but feeling that way may not be right, sometimes they feel the same about us, and that’s why they may not want to make the first step.

Go back to your old friends, those you gained in school and uni/college days, those are actually the ones you know for real.

P.S

I’m not discussing love relations here, this time I’m talking pure/awesome friendships.

Healthy, balanced and mature friendships are a crucial and a very important key to happiness for me, I just have to do it wisely to stay happy and positive!

Katia